The Separation System - Part 2
The Separation System - Part 2
February 20, 2024
Read time: 2 minutes
Last week, I shared how I de-dramatize my relationships using the Separation System.
Today, I want to share how I use the Separation System in two particular examples in addition to the Emotion-Act scenario I talked about last week:
- Forgive-Act
- Understand-Act
Forgive - Act
Forgive-Act comes into play when a person has wronged me or someone I love. I feel the normal anger & unkind feelings towards that person, an I have to decide how I’m going to move forward.
As a Catholic, I strive to follow Jesus’ command to forgive everyone, even our enemies. As such, harboring hatred & bitterness are not an option. So, I separate forgiving from acting. I forgive the person: choose to not hold their action against them and leave it between them & God to reconcile. Then, I decide how to act.
Let me use an analogy to explain:
You can forgive the man who raped your 7yo daughter, but that doesn’t mean you invite him over for a weekend sleepover.
Forgiveness and subsequent action are not dependent on each other. You can truly forgive someone, while also changing your behavior to prevent them from further harming you or someone you love.
As they say, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Understand - Act
I also use the Separation System when I want to better understand a person while also making a wise decision going forward.
An example:
Judy was very jealous of her daughter, Emily, as Emily grew up. Judy would verbally tear Emily down: attacking her beauty, femininity, abilities, and self-worth. Not good.
In order to understand, respect, and love Judy, it’s important to see her intent, where she was coming from. Turns out, Judy is very insecure in her own femininity. Judy was in a very toxic relationship with a man who used her, abused her, and left her out to dry. Judy, because she was so insecure in herself, tried to tear Emily down to make herself feel better.
Ok… Judy’s behavior is still very not-ok, but at least I understand her a little better. I can have compassion on her hurting heart.
Now, I have to act. How am I going to move forward? Regardless of where Judy is coming from, her actions towards Emily are still very not-ok. While I understand Judy, I am still going to intervene to prevent her from continuing to tear Emily down.
Net Net
Drama comes from emotions run rampant. To deflate drama, deflate the power of emotions by separating emotion from action.
Feel, then act.
And remember: “Instead of asking why they keep doing it, ask yourself why you keep allowing it.”